The past few weeks have been very difficult for me and everyone around me. I never wished for this curse to come upon me but it has. I’ve been feeling very down and dark, the joys of life seem to fade as I continue to focus on what will come next. Cycle 3 was about to begin and then a test scan to see if the cancer was gone. What if it hadn’t? Then I have a PT CT done. What if it shows that it’s still there? Well my oncologist says we’ll talk about it when and if it comes to that and try our very best to cross that bridge when it does happen.
I refuse to look out the window for fear that the world could be peering in and see my sickly frame and see who I had become. I missed calls from my mother often, because I was asleep and sometimes too ill to speak and could not bring myself to let her hear me. I keep a happy face on whenever I am visited. I smile through all of the sadness I struggled with and the disappointment the year brought with it.
My hair has fully been uprooted from my scalp and I am now completely bald. I compare myself to the bald egg in the kitchen; we share a striking similarity with one another. The only difference was that there was a nasty feeling brewing in my head from the chemotherapy and what was inside my head wasn’t considered tasty. My memories of the past week are so fuzzy and can only recall a few things without my diary and phone.
“Chemo brain is real y’all”.
Today, on this sunny day I leave my room and my home with my dear friend. We head for her car and the park closest to our home. As we leave I notice the dead bush next to the house as resurrected and red tulips are in full bloom. My favourite flower is the Tulip. My first sight of a tulip was as a child using the new Windows XP, it was a beautiful background to the home screen. I fell in love with these beautiful bright yellow structured which appeared to worship the sun. Whenever I logged on, it was a welcoming picture to me and they seemed to make me smile. These beautiful red tulips did exactly what all tulips do to me when I see them.
From the moment I spotted them I had to take a picture of them as my memories were fleeting. I knew that day would be fantastic and it was. We drove down to the park we never visited and trekked into the woods. The scene was beautiful, just fabulous unspoilt beauty. I was slow but I took the environment and all the sensory stimulation it gave me. I accepted every colour, sound, feeling and smell. It was great, even if I would tire and would need random breaks. It was great. It made me smile and that’s what we all need in our lives in times of great sadness.